what no one tells you about your twenties

For as long as I can remember I was told my twenties would be the best time of my life, they would be prosperous, filled with experience, and accompanied by the women who would one day be in my wedding. At 19 I might've believed that.

When I turned 20 I had just returned to Argentina from a backpacking trip through Peru, Brazil, and Chile. I was excited to spend my birthday in the place I had been living for the past 6 months, with the friends I had grown so close to. I spent all weekend partying and loving on my friends, I even flew a plane, a lifelong dream of mine. I didn't get any rest and later that week was flown to Paris to speak at a conference on the New Urban Agenda. Life up until my 20th birthday was magical, sure I had hard times but for the past two years I had been living the dream. When I returned to university my friend group had drastically shifted and the women that had once pushed me to grow were nowhere in sight. These were the women that I thought we're going to be in my wedding one day and now we don't even follow each other on instagram. Reality set in that things were changing, life was evolving whether I wanted it to or not. I spent the next two years at university searching for a friend group only to find that I didn't belong. Don't get me wrong, I never fell short in love. I had friends all around me who loved and supported me but it was never what I had expected. As a teenager I thought college would be where I found that perfect friend group who did everything together. I never found that. In my senior year of university I thought I had it all figured out. I had just gotten a full time job working at an advertising agency that was fully remote (score!) and I had a handful of freelance clients that I made sporadic but good money from. I decided that I would finish out my lease in Los Angeles, in July I would sell all my belongings, pack up, and move to Florida to live rent free with my grandparents. (How does it get better than rent free on the beach?) I would save up working at the agency during the day and at a restaurant at night. Eventually, I would have enough money to live in Argentina again and not have to worry about paying rent. This was the perfect plan, right? Yet, come July, I wasn't ready to leave and my roommate was begging me to stay another year. I decided that I didn't want to be the first of my friends to leave so I signed another year in LA. The day I did this I broke down and sobbed. You see, since graduation, the majority of my friends had moved home or gotten full time jobs in other cities and my roommate started working full time at her restaurant. What was supposed to be a fun summer filled with pool days and late nights turned out to be very lonely. Not only that, but I felt taken advantage of and disrespected at my job so I quit. (Or rather, got fired but that's another story). The impending doom of "what am I supposed to do with my life" set in, followed with, "who am I supposed to be?" and "how do I pay rent in LA and not be miserable?" I banked on my freelance clients to hold me through the first month of this uncertainty but one by one doors closed and I was faced with an apartment that I couldn't afford, in a city I didn't want to be in anymore. I felt alone and I was (am) broke.

I've never been a high stress person, I really do believe that what's meant for me will come to me but after over 100 rejection letters and twice as many no-replies, I felt defeated. I kept questioning what was next? Where was I supposed to be? Who was I supposed to do it with? Why was I even in LA? Why didn't I just stick to the plan? After about a week of crying every day and freaking out about the future I talked to some friends, professors, colleagues and found out that everyone goes through this.

Your twenties are hard, but no one tells you that.

Yes, they're exciting. You get to go on dates, make mistakes, meet new people, go to bars and fancy restaurants. However, you also are faced with a million decisions and you have to make them without the experience you gain once you're 40. You don't feel equipped to make big decisions but they pile up, one after another.

In this time, I made a friend who was exactly what I needed at the time. He reminded me after every rant about "what the fuck am I'm supposed to do now?" that it wasn't so serious. He told me to take it easy, and good things will come. He reminded me that my grass seemed like the greenest grass in the world to so many people, I just needed to keep watering it. I had to remind myself over and over to just be where my feet are. I would be foolish to forget how rare it all is.

I started channeling all my anxieties into gratitudes. I kept repeating "how lucky am I?"

How lucky am I that I have all these options?

How lucky am I that I have this network?

How lucky am I that I live in LA?

How lucky am I that I never have to worry about where my next meal will come from?

How lucky am I?

I think back to that 11 year old girl who couldn't of even dreamed of leaving the south and living alone in LA and I remind myself that my 11 year old self would be so proud of me.

I feel so blessed to know that I have so many routes and paths I can take to be successful. I keep correcting myself when I question why my twenties are so scary and change the narrative to "my twenties are so exciting." They are full of opportunity and I have so many mistakes to make but it's okay because I'm only 22.